You and I could die a thousand times...
His hands were trembling and they were colder than the winter night that surrounded us with all its snowflakes and chilly wind.
He had his hands clasped together as if he was begging me to stay, to hold him, to never let him go. I frowned. I had never been in that position before, I felt confused and eager to both go and stay beside him. ''Why am I so lost?'' he asked. ''I don't know where to fit. Everybody I meet is just another duplicate, and I always match their energy and I end up doing crazy, stupid things.''
I looked at him but kept silent. We all do. We become someone we don't want to be. In the end, we end up suffering. It's always like this. We're always going under some kind of influence and we don't know where to go from there. And we become lost because we lose our true selves. We lose who we really are, who we were deep down.
''I'm sorry I cause pain. I'm sorry I keep doing so...'' he added, not looking at me. His eyes were cautiously watching the surroundings, as if someone was preying on us, waiting for the right moment.
In that pale, cold night light, he seemed even more frightened of himself, of everything he's done and every little mistake that has brought him to that exact spot. And I could see it in his eyes that he knew he'd make a mistake, he knew how much he'd hurt people around him just because he could not find his place in this world. I could see how much he wanted to disappear. To go away. To die.
But no matter how much he wanted to die, I was the one to keep him here, with both feet on the ground. Suddenly, he grasped my hand and held it as tight as possible. My fingers were pushed together as he kept tightening up the grip. His eyes widened. ''I can't do this anymore, I can't keep fighting. I fight for nothing. I'm lost. Do you get that?'' he murmured. ''Do you get how this feels?'' he yelled all of a sudden, and that crack in his voice felt like he's just cracked the entire world open. The pain and the hurt in him escaped from him like a radial light as if it'd been caged for too long and now it's breaking through. ''Do you understand how it is to be invisible, unwanted, hopeless?'' he continued, letting my hand go, finally. ''You've never been in my place and never will. You are just too caught in your perfect world. I could die right now and you would go on with your life like I'd never existed. Like I never was he--''
And without any more words coming out from his cursed mouth, I slapped him. I slapped him so hard and kept hitting his chest until tears formed in the corners of my eyes, and I was scared to breathe. I hated who he'd become because he'd never let anyone in anymore. He'd started to become stupid and think like no one else. I hated him. I hated him for putting me down whenever I wanted to stay. For asking me to leave when he was getting angry. For shouting me out like I was nothing. No one. Nobody to him. Him - the one who had once stolen my heart from between my ribs and who had kept it for so long.
''You...You dare to tell me such messed up ideas that just explode in your head,'' I roared at him, angrily. ''You dare to shout me out after everything I've been going through with you and for you!''
''You don't get me!'' he yelled.
''I get you perfectly!'' I shouted back. ''You just don't want to think that someone could really understand you, ever! You're trapped in this black whole universe and you don't believe you could ever be rescued.''
He stopped and shut his mouth. ''I love you. I fucking love you. I might not be the best at showing you this but you can't deny that I've always been there for you. Always. There was not a day when I refused to listen to you or to give you some advice if you needed,'' I spoke. ''And no, I'm not doing it because I want something in return. I do it because I love you and because I see the good in you. And you and I could die a thousand times and that wouldn't change.''
Tears were already escaping his eyes and circling down his cheeks. I felt bad for screaming. I felt bad for telling him in that way. But sometimes people can only be awakened if they are screamed at.
''I love you, ok?'' I added.
He dropped his head to his knees and whined softly. His shoulders raised systematically, a sign that he started to cry. I kneeled beside him and held him in my embrace until his sighs softened and he circled his arms around me, allowing himself to be hugged. ''I love you,'' I whispered one more time in his ear and I knew he acknowledged that from the way his hand started to caress my back.
I knew he knew.
Photo: Everton Vila on Unsplash